Thursday, 28 April 2011

The F1 Wedding

There's quite a Royal occasion taking place in London this week dominating the headlines but what lets have some fun and turn the Royal Wedding into the F1 Wedding...

Now on BBC1 it's time for the event of the year, the F1 wedding, presented by Jake Humphrey (Cue a minute of the chain and a big dramatic VT)

Jake Humphrey: Good morning and welcome along to the F1 wedding. I'm live outside Westminister Abbey and alongside me as usual is David Coulthard and Eddie Jordan. Didn't really bother with the dress code did you Eddie?

Eddie Jordan: I don't know what you mean

David Coulthard: I think what he is getting at is the fact that a purple shirt with green trousers isn't really the best idea for a weddi... well for anything.

JH: It's a sunny day with not a cloud in the sky but we are told rain is imminent. It always is were F1 is concerned. Of course we are set up for a belter today. But only 1 driver can tie the knot today. We have the home guys, Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button fighting it out. Sebastian Vettel as well and team principal Christian Horner has conveniently found the time for a quick chat

Christian Horner: Good morning

JH: So your thoughts on (passing traffic drowns out the remainder of the question)

CH: Well the weekend so far has (more traffic noise)

JH: Fascinating stuff. Just in case you're wondering about these people gathering around us they are actually members of the Horner fan club. Must be great to have a load of young women stalking your every move eh Christian

CH: Well... (Shouts of 'We love you Christian')

JH: As you're going redder than a Ferrari we'll leave it there

CH: See you again sometime

JH: Yeah give it about 20 minutes

DC: You can clearly see there Jake the confidence in the Red Bull team, i would definitely be backing Seb for success today

JH: Well there's a surprise

DC: Indeed

EJ: This German kid, he's just great. He's young, funny, fast, relaxed, so cool and collected, it's a breath of fresh air. When i was a team boss i brought many young talents into the sport and it was great to have the likes...

JH: Moving on and Ted is down in the Abbey with some news for us

Ted Kravitz: Hello everyone. Tension starting to build down here. I'm just outside the vestry and there are the perspective wives lingering about, Nicole, Jessica, Vivian, Isabell. Of course the drivers are racing into London and soon we'll see who can make it here first.

JH: Thanks Ted. Of course after the main event we'll be at the reception with red button coverage and Lee McKenzie is down there for us, over to you Lee.

Lee McKenzie: Morning guys, i'm down here at Buckingham Palace with Jaime Alguersuari and Sebastien Buemi. Both of you must be bitterly disappointed to have missed out on the main event.


Sebastien Buemi: I'm giving out free Red Bull in case some people are flagging later tonight haha

LMcK: We can see Daniel Ricciardo lurking about, any worries?

JA: He is?

SB: I thought you hid his passport man!

LMcK: I think we'll go back to you Jake

JH: Well it's just me and Eddie now as David has went into the Abbey to join Martin in the gallery. Let's quickly go back to Ted though because we hear there has been some drama outside London Ted

TK: Yes and i'm afraid it's bad news for Lewis Hamilton because he has received a drive over penalty for too many lane changes on the M25.

JH: A drive over penalty? That's a new one

TK: Yes indeed, specific for this event. It means Lewis must drive over Tower Bridge and back again so that really compromises his chances of marrying Nicole today.

JH: Let's join the guys in the Abbey and Martin, drama already

Martin Brundle: Yes indeed, Lewis really should know by now the rules of the UK roads but hey that'll teach the tax evader for moving to Switzerland. Lee's found another driver

LMcK: I'm with Jarno Trulli, Jarno it must be bitterly disappointing to be missing the wedding?

Jarno Trulli: Ah yes but a i am ere and have a brought a big collection of wine and a tonight everyone will a be enjoying themselves with a my fine tastes.

JH: Guests starting to arrive down here and Felipe Massa and Rob Smedley have joined us. Your wife not make it today Felipe.

Felipe Massa: Well for sure she would have liked to come but really me and Rob have a closer relationship and the invite was for me + 1 so it made sense.

Rob Smedley: Mr Sunshine looks beautiful eh? A great day and we'll be banging on that dancefloor later, hahaha

MB: More action here guys, Petrov has stopped in what appears to be a housing estate.

DC: Clearly he had made good progress to reach the city area but something has gone wrong, here's a replay...

MB: Well he's made a wrong turn there but he could have still rerouted but WOAH! LOOK AT THAT!

DC: He didn't see the speed bump sign at all!

MB: He must have hit it at about 120mph and the thing just took off, a huge incident there for the Russian.

JH: Down here outside the Abbey there is a fantastic buzz. Air Asia 1 Malaysia Team Lotus Norfolk just arrived in Caterham's and we might just catch a quick word with Mike Gasgoyne. Mike, lots of questions on peoples lips but the big one, can Norwich get promoted to the Premier League?

Mike Gasgoyne: Well of course Jake, we are simply the best team about. Lotus progressing as well, we beat Perez in China and if 10 other drivers get penalties like him in a race we'll score points easily

JH: Didn't go so well earlier though for Heikki on the road.

MG: It didn't but let's look at the positives, he managed to put the fire out himself and save the Fire brigade a trip out so great teamwork there

MB: Sebastian Vettel has dropped behind a bit and here's his team radio, lets see what is wrong.

Sebastian Vettel: Rocky, do i use the sat nav or not?

Rocky: Negative, negative, do not use the sat nav

SV: So what do i do?

Rocky: Plan B, we are changing to Plan B.

SV: But i didn't bring the map! Adrian said it would affect the packaging of the car so took it off!

MB: All gone wrong there for Red Bull, challenge looks over

DC: Well it may have but you can't blame Red Bull for that, the sat nav is developed by a outside company so no fault of the team at Milton Keynes.

MB: Ted has some news for us

TK: Yes drama for the Sauber team who had arrived here as part of the guestlist for today but they've all been kicked out of the Abbey. Their jackets were found to be outside of the minimum measurements which are required by the regulations by 3mm so no service for them today.

MB: They'll be very frustrated with that!

TK: Indeed though we believe it was a simple manufacturing error and no-one will be held to account for the incident. Won't stop some speculating though...

LMcK: I'm still at the palace and joined by Virgin drivers Timo Glock and Jerome D'Ambrosio. Early retirements then guys?

Timo Glock: Well we are a bit confused because we thought we had to come here and we did so but there's been a misunderstanding...

Jerome D'Ambrosio: You see on the menu tonight for desert is Rhubarb and Custard so the team took that as being us

TG: *sighs*

LMcK: Unlucky guys

JH: i've just found a lot of well suited men here. With me are Romain Grosjean, Bruno Senna, Fairuz Fauzy and Ho Pin Tung. Not going to the wedding guys?

Romain Grosjean: Well we are actually on reserve in case a guest has to pull out

Bruno Senna: You never know when you may be needed

JH: But do you need this many

Fairuz Fauzy: Oh yes we are all key to the operation

Will Buxton: You keep telling yourself that Fairuz. Sorry for butting in Jake

JH: You were just saying what we were all thinking mate. Crikey a lot of police sirens coming down the street. And look who it is, can you believe it, it's Robert Kubica!

Jonathan Legard: Up, over the hill, look at him in his wheelchair, he's on a charge!!

JH: Jonathan!? You were warned not to show up

JL: Come on Jakey boy, just let me do 1 more event, for old times sake

EJ: Looks like that Kubica fella hasn't lost any of his speed, clocked doing 45mph in the speed trap.

TK: More news from the vestry and it's of a couple of non appearances on the guest list. First up Rubens Barrichello who isn't attending as he knows the ceremony will just be a load of 'blah blah blah' and he doesn't want to hear that. Also Hispania have put out a press release saying they won't make it after being held up at Barcelona airport. Reports that Colin Kolles got stuck going through the security gate have been denied.

MB: Right, things beginning to hot up now. We know that Rosberg leads Button and Hamilton but the Mercedes driver has already seen his fuel light flashing and is having to short shift around these tight streets

DC: Jenson driving around these mini roundabouts beautifully, 1 sweep of the wheel in and 1 sweep out, so smooth.

MB: Hamilton has stopped at Kwik-fit!

DC: Tyres look destroyed and that really has hurt his chances, fresh rubber now though.

MB: Rosberg is spluttering, he's running out of fuel and there goes Button, Jenson Button leads in the final stages and the crowd are going wild!

DC: What you are seeing here is a drive of experience, of composure, a man who has been serene and never looked like making a mistake all da...

MB: He's stopping! What's going on, well hang on he's running up the steps to the church but the doors closed?

DC: He's stopped at St Pauls Catherdal! He's at the wrong church, what a terrible mistake!

MB: That's incredible, i mean the look of the 2 buildings are different! He's jumped back in but the engine is off and i think it's all over for him.

DC: Well he's starting to run Martin and it isn't that far to go and could he repeat what he did in Monaco and sprint to the finish and to the glory of success!

MB: Hamilton flying though, he's ripping it up on those new tyres, smoke everywhere. Good job we're not in Melbourne!

DC: Jenson still has a bit to go. Surely Lewis will overtake him soon. Here it comes and he is through

MB: Hamilton comes through the final corners and he does is! He takes the chequered flag, parks it and is sprinting up that aisle.

JH: What a race that was, tweet me your thoughts and now lets hand over to Jean Todt for the ceremony

Jean Todt: Before we finalise everything, is there anyone here who has a reason why these 2 people should not be marry?

Charlie Whiting: Yes!

Lewis Hamilton: Not Charlie...

CW: Car number 3 has just been checked and has been found to have Michelin tyres fitted, completely against the regulations.

LH: Dude, it was all Kwik-fit had man, bless the poor guy who had to do it himself, ite

CW: Sorry no other tyre is allowed, especially a crappy French one which can't even handle a banked corner.

Jenson Button: *gasping* Where did i finish?

JT: You are our new winner Jenson. *20 minutes of blah blah blah and vows* Congratulations Jenson and Jessica! You are the F1 wedding couple of 2011!

LMcK: Down here at the reception, things are really rocking. Sutil is on the piano, Vettel has Ke$ha on full blast and Jaime is DJing with Sakon Yamamoto.

JH: Sakon Yamamoto? He's not with a team at the minute, how'd he get in?

LMcK: Let's just say Bernies wallet is now bulging even more than normal

JH: David has rejoined us. You spotted Nick Heidfeld anywhere today?

DC: Can't say i have

EJ: Me either

JH: Ted?

TK: I haven't actually but apparently he's been down in peckham selling off TW steel watches. Says that this time next year he'll have become a millionaire and have won a race.

JH: What a dreamer. That's all from us, thank you very much for watching. Congrats to Jenson and Jessica. See you next time.


  1. One of the funniest things I have read in while!
    Great work :)

  2. Cheers! Glad you liked it :)

  3. Hahaha I am so glad I stumbled upon this, excellent! :D

  4. This is brilliant Connor, I can't believe I hadn't spotted it earlier! I love how many F1 jokes you managed to squeeze in there :P Have you tweeted the link to Jake Humphrey? I reckon he'll love it.

  5. Ino wrote "This is brilliant Connor, I can't believe I hadn't spotted it earlier! I love how many F1 jokes you managed to squeeze in there :P Have you tweeted the link to Jake Humphrey? I reckon he'll love it."

    Sorry for only replying now. Blogger crashed a few days ago and took down all recent posts/comments and they still haven't put your's back up yet so thought i better reply!

    I did plug it on Twitter a few times :P Anyway glad you enjoyed it :) I did mention a few of the 'characters' on Twitter but i don't know if he seen it or not. Maybe he did but wasn't impressed ha!